The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi

The Courage to Be Disliked: A Life-Changing Book

The book is written as a conversation between a wise philosopher and a young man who has many questions about life. The young man wants to know why he isn’t happy, why life seems unfair, and how he can find true freedom and joy.

Through their talks, the philosopher shows them that happiness and freedom come from changing how we think, not from changing the world around us.

Let’s look at the main ideas of this book in simple words.

You Are Not Controlled by Your Past

Many people believe that their past experiences, such as being poor, ignored, or mistreated, shape who they are and how they feel today. They think, “Because of what happened to me, I can’t be happy now.”

But according to Adler, your past does not control your present or future. What matters is how you choose to see your past. Two people can go through the same tough times, but one becomes hopeful and strong, while the other becomes angry or bitter. The difference is in how they think about their experiences.

In the book, the philosopher says that people are not pushed by their past, but instead move forward toward goals they have chosen for themselves.

This means you are not stuck. You can choose your path starting today.

2. People Choose Their Behavior

Adler also believed that people use certain behaviors for a reason, even if they don’t notice it. For example, if someone feels anxious and avoids social events, they might be using anxiety to avoid being judged or rejected.

The philosopher in the book explains that we are not anxious because of our past, but we are using anxiety as a way to stay in our comfort zone.

This idea might sound strange at first, but it’s very powerful. If we are choosing our behavior, even without realizing it, then we can also choose to change it.

So if you often feel shy, angry, or helpless, Adler would ask: “What goal is this helping you avoid?” Once you understand that, you can start changing the behavior.

3. Focus Only on Your Tasks

One of the most helpful ideas in the book is called the Separation of Tasks. Adler believed that many problems come from getting too involved in other people’s business. For example:

Trying to make someone like you
Worrying about what others think of you
Forcing your child to act a certain way
Feeling responsible for someone else’s emotions

Adler teaches us to let go of tasks that are not ours. If your job is to do your best at work, it is not your task to make everyone happy with your work. That’s their task. You can’t control their thoughts.

This way of thinking helps you feel less stressed and freer. You focus on your own life and actions and stop trying to control things that are outside your control.

4. Trying to Be Liked Is a Trap

Many people spend their whole lives trying to be liked by others. They do things to please others, even if it makes them unhappy. They fear being judged, disliked, or left out.

But Adler says this is a trap. When you live just to be accepted, you are not being your true self. Even if people like you, they are liking the version of you that you created to please them, not the real you.

Not everyone will like you, and that is completely okay. That’s part of being truly free.

5. You Can Change at Any Time

Another big idea in the book is that anyone can change, no matter their age or situation. Some people believe things like:

“That’s just who I am.”
“I’ve always been like this.”
“It’s too late for me to change.”

But these are just beliefs, not facts. You are not born with a fixed personality. You shape your personality with your choices, and you can shape a new one by making different choices.

This doesn’t mean it will be easy to change, but it is always possible.

6. Real Happiness Comes From Contribution

Adler believed that real happiness does not come from money, fame, or power. Instead, it comes from feeling useful to others and being part of a community.

It means thinking, “I am part of the world, and I can make a difference.” When you help others, even in small ways, you feel more connected and valuable. You stop worrying so much about yourself and start finding meaning in your relationships and actions.

Even your pain or struggles can have meaning if you use them to grow and help others.

7. Being Happy Means Being Brave

The title of the book, The Courage to Be Disliked, means that to live a happy life, you must be brave. You must be okay with not being liked by everyone. You must have the courage to live by your own values.

If you live honestly and kindly, and someone still dislikes you, that’s okay. You are not living for their approval.

Trying to make everyone like you will only lead to stress and sadness. True peace comes from living your own life, even if some people disagree with your choices.

8. Start Changing Today, Not Someday

Many people wait for the perfect time to change. They say things like:

“I’ll start when I’m ready.”
“Maybe next year.”
“Once I feel more confident.”

But the book teaches that you don’t need to wait. You don’t need to be perfect or ready. You can start now, exactly as you are. Take small steps. Change one habit. Think of one new thought. Speak honestly once a day.

The more you take action, the more you’ll see change happen.

It might be scary at first. You might lose some approval. But you will also gain something greater: a life that belongs to you.

Final thoughts:

The Courage to Be Disliked is not just another self-help book. It’s a new way of seeing life. It teaches that you don’t have to be controlled by your past, other people, or fear. You have your path.

Here are the main messages of the book in simple points:

Your past does not define your future.
You choose how to behave and think.
Focus only on your tasks.
Don’t live for other people’s approval.
True happiness comes from helping others.
You can change, starting now.
You must have the courage to live your own life.

These lessons are simple, but powerful. They can help build confidence, reduce stress, and create a more meaningful life..